Friday was tough. It was one of those, stick-close-to-home-because-I-might-cry days. I used to hate those days because I felt so weak and out of control. But the older I get, the more I realize there's a need to embrace the grief and hold onto these moments. I find the quicker I let it flow through me, the faster it lifts.
My daughter came home with a book on Thursday night that my husband's raved about for years. She asked me to read one chapter to help her see what she was missing (she had to answer a few more questions on a worksheet). I love helping with these types of homework assignments--I relish a good book. The book happened to be Night by Elie Wiesel. Yes, I knew before reading it that it was about the Holocaust and that it would be dark. I read one chapter and helped her find the answers she needed. But then I was hooked. I started at the beginning and stayed up reading the entire book.
Obviously, I didn't sleep good; it took me forever to even fall asleep. Dark stories take a hold of me. I'm thankful that they do; it should grieve me. But they leave me with the never-ending question I don't like to be left with:
Why?
Why do dark, horrible things have to happen? Why do millions of people die in evil premeditated ways? Why do good friends have to die of breast cancer? Why do they have to be taken from a beautiful life?
Most days I have a weird, rebounding faith in good and in God. My hope seems to float through really terrible moments. I think that's why days like these seem extra dark. I don't want to stay here. I wanna jump off the horrendous ship as soon as possible. But sometimes the ship has to take it's journey and land on the other side before you can get off. And this time was one of those. Those dark clouds are still around, but they're not so near now.
Thank you for being so precious. I gave just a little blurb about feeling down on Friday, and you jumped in with sweet comments. Thanks for that. You always lift my spirits, and I'm forever grateful for you! *hugs*
Good questions Catherine...valid questions and it's good to ponder them out loud...it is a good way to cope with things that cannot be controlled.
ReplyDeleteHope you have a great and bright day! Cling to the good things! :)
Thanks, Lisa, I am! I'm painting today. :D
DeleteWhen my daughter had to read NIGHT for a school assignment, she had a similar reaction. She was depressed and disturbed for days--and not sleeping either. She was so incredibly saddened by the fact that humans could do such things to other humans.
ReplyDeleteI had no great words to soothe her soul, except to tell her that she probably was having the exact reaction that the author intended, and that when humans learn from history, therein lies the hope for us all.
xoxo
It is so sad. But I agree with you, we NEED to learn from history. We need to be aware. We need to grieve. Thanks, Shelley.
Deleteoh catherine. this makes me teary. thank you for being honest about your struggles. i think God gets angry about injustice too. i have to believe that he does. because otherwise he wouldn't be good.
ReplyDeleteThank you, Emily, that means a lot. I believe He does.
Deleteso glad you shared this at imperfect prose :)
DeleteI think we must wrestle with the pain and injustice of life to really appreciate and embrace the blessings and good that God gives us every day. I'm so glad you are wrestling, my friend. I am thankful too for your tender heart and vulnerable sharing here, Catherine. It's a blessing for us all!
ReplyDeleteThank you, Beth.
DeleteWhy indeed. When I start asking why I always remember the verse in Exodus that says "the secret things belong to the Lord our God". Only he knows the answer to the whys in our lives.
ReplyDeletethe ship has to take its journey...i like that. sometimes we need to rest in the grief a bit. blessings as you travel.
ReplyDelete